How to Be a Reader

Don’t Just Read – Win.

Dear “reader”:

A problem with modernity is the disdain for competition. People proclaim that gatekeeping is atrocious and resources should be “shared”. There’s always talk about building community. But where’s the fun in that? If resources are shared and everybody is happy, not a single person can get the satisfaction of holding tricks up their sleeve. Nobody has the position to revel in the knowledge that they are doing better than everyone else. Whatever happened to the days when we could ruthlessly shatter our opponents? Now it’s inappropriate to ‘bend’ the rule book a little to meet your needs. But I digress…

Below is a guide for the modern reader. I’ve seen too many people enter bookstores with the intention of drifting away to a different world. There’s an epidemic of so-called readers that give recommendations and sit in cafés for no other purpose than to stare at a few pages. I have taken it upon myself to teach YOU that this is wrong. Reading isn’t about the books or the stories. It’s about winning. Yes, you heard me correctly. Wipe away the disdain and forget your collaborative tendencies. I know that you’re still here because you want to be better. Harness that energy and read on. 

Step 1) Find a pretty book. It might be dull or uninteresting or even a classic, but that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that it makes you look enigmatic. For the ultimate effect, make sure to don the most mysterious clothes. Procure a black trench coat that reaches the floor as you walk. Pair it with some glasses and a long scarf. You must only wrap the scarf around your neck once! People will wonder how you keep yourself warm and this is only the beginning. Keep. Their. Attention. 

Step 2) Your surroundings are the second most important thing to consider when you’re trying to be a reader. Check yourself out in the mirror and see if you belong with a book in your hands. If you think you need some extra help (you probably do), tear off a page of your poetry for a bookmark. If you do not write poetry (real readers write poetry), ink random words on parchment in cursive. As long as a passerby is unable to read your scrawl, you can pass. And before you even think about cracking open a book’s spine, find the coziest place you can think of. I’m talking wallpaper-worthy stuff here. Get yourself a picnic blanket and bulky headphones. Adorn yourself with a leather crossbody satchel and a pale green, wide-rimmed mug of peppermint tea. Perch yourself atop the highest hill with a cosmic tree to lean against. Tip your head back and have the sun create an otherworldly profile of you.

Step 3) Do not let the doubt creep out. Real readers are experts at maintaining a placid psyche. When you let your worries be seen, you cease to appear enigmatic and people will read you. When you let your worries be seen, you fail. Real readers do not accept failure. You’re trying to be a real reader, aren’t you?

Step 4) Do police your behaviour. Straighten your spine and lift your chin higher than anyone else in a room. Never smile too widely or frown – wrinkles are not the mark of a true reader (remember rule #3: worries are not to be seen). Wear two rings and speak in a low murmur. Know the right moment to cloak yourself in silence. Your behaviours make or break your status as a valid reader. If you see a poseur reader with a slouched spine or loud laugh, know that you have won. True readers wield their behaviours as blades in unspoken battles. 

Step 5) Hide the quiver in your lips behind your mug of peppermint tea. Do not let others see your inward doubts. If you follow my steps, you belong with a book in your hands. When a stranger inevitably approaches you to ask what you are reading, slowly lower the headphones from your head. Look up at them with an obscure gaze and simply reply, “It doesn’t concern you.” As the stranger sputters and tries to make sense of your cryptic response, push the headphones back on and gaze at the pages. Do not second-guess your impact on the stranger. Keep your eyes forward and do not allow them to talk to you again. Being confidential is part of being a reader. 

Step 6) Always outdo your peers. If you see a classmate reading a book one day, bring a book that is twice its size the next day. Never forget that readers are in constant, unspoken competition. Those that listen to me will stand victorious in the battle for intellectual superiority. If you see another ‘reader’ glancing up at people, know that you are triumphant. Only when others bow down to your enigmatic being will you have followed these steps. 

McKenzie Williams

(she / her)